The Wounded Heart

The journey began three years ago. That was when I named it and released it into consciousness. This is where this story begins. I was in the Executive Coaching Program at Royal Roads University. As part of that program, we were to create a personal foundation document that would include our mission, and vision statements. As I pondered this process I knew that this needed to come from the heart and reflect my true mission. As I waited for the truth to flow through me, these words appeared. “I am love.”

Three weeks ago, at a retreat program in North Carolina, I understood for the first time what these three words really mean. No, let me restate this. I experienced for the first time what it means to exemplify “I am love”.


Over this past year as awakening unfolded, the experience intensified. In the months since returning from India, the insights have been flowing through me like a raging river. Sometimes they are beautiful and I am able to sink into them like a warm bath. Others are revelations that terrify and free at the same time. In North Carolina, an insight presented that was both, terrifying and beautiful.

I walk this planet as a wounded heart. I spent a lifetime building defenses to protect this heart from further wounding. Even more terrifying, I experience others wounded heart as well. The very defenses that protect this heart from further wounding, filter and protect me from the pain and suffering that underscores the human experience. I cannot exemplify “I am love” with a lifetime of defenses protecting me. I now realize that to be love, I must be open to all that is and to allow it to flow through me. The pain and suffering that I experience and see in others is not me. I am love, - pure, innocent, childlike - love.

The last day of the North Carolina program, twelve participants, the trainer Elizabeth and her assistant
sat in a semi-circle. Elizabeth played a song by singer/song writer Denise Hagen. The room was silent with the exception of the music that filled the space. As we sat in the pure bliss of this exceptional moment, I opened my eyes and from the heart I looked around the room. That moment, will remain with me forever. Some sat, eyes closed, experiencing only presence, for some tears of joy flowed and others fidgeted anxious to start the journey to their physical home. Elizabeth looked out at her baby chics, with wonder. The experience was ecstasy. Love reflecting love. Love as love. There was no
other in that room. There was only love.

The journey home has been a challenging one. It is not easy to greet this world from this raw and open place. I continue to battle the demons of conditioning and even struck out, with a fierceness I forgot I was capable of, at the one who mirrors love for me on a daily basis. And as love, I ask for forgiveness and forgive myself for that and for all of it.

Yesterday, I shared this story with a wise and wonderful friend. She said “This is the journey that mankind is being asked to embark on. This is the message of the Christ mind and of other great sages through out time.” So I allow the wounded heart to stay open despite the fact that it “hearts” so bad. I hold all of it in this wounded heart as love. Moment by moment I say…

I am sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

The Everyday Drudgery of Awakening

The other day I had writers block. I was writing a business proposal, the first of it’s kind in a very long time. I was accessing experience and knowledge from my old life, my life as a leader in the public sector. All of it was second nature to me and I was stumped. Do you think I could write a bio of myself? Do you think I could define an approach for creating a corporate vision?  I sat poised at my keyboard waiting for inspiration that was not forthcoming. I meditated, resting in the emptiness of no thought, and patiently awaited the “idea” that would have my fingers flying.

Blank. Nothing. The writing that came did not flow nor did it feel right. Finally, in a fit of total frustration, I put my computer down, my running shoes on and went out to get some exercise. As I turned myself over to the movement, the feeling of putting one foot in front of another, coaching questions began to arise.

“You know you don’t have to do this. It is ok if you don’t want to do this kind of work.” prodded my inner Guru.

 “It’s not that.” I responded. “I am excited about working with this organization. It feels good supporting them to define their vision.”

 

“What is it then?” asked the Guru. “What are you afraid of?”

Smack! It was like getting hit over the head with a two-by-four. In a blinding flash of light, I realized, I was afraid they wouldn’t like me. I was writing the proposal so that it would resonate with them, rather than writing it so that it was an accurate reflection of Cheryl and what I bring to the table.

I saw this for what it was, a repeating pattern in my life. I can’t count the number of times I tried to alter how I show up to fit someone’s perception of me. (Tried being the operative word here)  Or how often I felt deflated and inadequate when I wasn’t liked or approved of by other people. The truth is, there are people who are not going to approve of me, agree with me or support me. The truth is, my proposal might fall flat for this organization. And that is ok. No apology necessary. I am not everybody’s cup of tea.

My challenge is two-fold. I need to accept that I don’t personify that universal likeability quotient I strive for. (Do I know anyone who does? Do I even know what it is?) I must accept the fact that I want to be liked. In fact, I want to be liked so much, that sometimes it incapacitates me and leaves me feeling not good enough. The curious thing is when I accept these conditions fully. When I see them for what they are and what they are not, I take the sting out of them.

Both conditions are thoughts. They are internalized belief systems that have been with me for as long as I can remember. The recognition of these from the eyes of “awareness”, and hearing them from the voice of my “inner Guru”, is the everyday drudgery of awakening. It is drudgery because it is ongoing. It is the mirror of life reflecting back, exactly what I need to see. When I see it with an open heart and no judgment, I free myself.

There was a time when I was overwhelmed by the conditions and situations that make up my existence. Now I celebrate them. I am grateful for the gift of this life, my most potent teacher.

Love Lives Here

It is Saturday afternoon. My fingers are poised on my keyboard, and I am present to the Divine Love that flows through me. Present to the words flowing from that love. I am grateful for the peace that envelopes me, warms me, keeps me clear and present to this precious moment of now. There is wonder for the miracle that brought me to this moment. I would love to say that one day I just woke up. But that is not the truth.

Fifteen years ago, I found myself alone, a single mom with three boys, no job and no idea how I was going to survive and support and raise three children. The fear and the grief overwhelmed me. I became the suffering. The sense of abandonment and the loneliness filled me and left me frozen. I was immobilized. One day, as pain washed over me, I heard a voice. The voice was louder and more persistent than the ache. The voice said, “I love you Cheryl. You are not alone.”

That voice, gave me the courage to pick myself up and carry on. I began to survive. I found a job, made new friends, dated men. I made a life for myself and for my boys. I thought positive thoughts; I took positive action and the ache melted into the background. Sometimes the pain would show up at the most inopportune times and then quietly slither back below the surface. When the pain lay low, I could believe that I was free, that I did not suffer. Still, I longed to hear that voice again. I longed to hear, “I love you Cheryl. You are not alone.”

I often wonder at the divine guidance that leads me to be at the right place at the right time. There are times when I can see it coming. That was the case when I connected and loved my partner Lucas. It was not the case, the day I committed to participate in an eight day Intensive Self Inquiry Training, the teachings of Ramana Maharshi.  I had no idea the profound effect that day would have on the rest of my life. On the third day, during morning meditation, I experienced the most profound sense of bliss. My body reverberated with the pleasure of it. My thoughts drifted quietly by and I basked in the love. I was home. I found the source of the voice that guided me through my pain. There are many names for this place. It is called Self, Source, God, Presence. I call it love.

At the time I believed that the journey was over. The seeking could stop. In fact the journey and the real work, had just begun. The real work is in the peeling back the layers of Cheryl. It is unfurling the coils of pain that get buried in the process of living life, it is looking in the mirror that shows up often as others and seeing in them what is in me. Some days the work is painful and difficult. Some days the love envelops me and is me. Every day requires me to access a courage that I did not know I had. The blissful days are more frequent now and my commitment to my transformation is unwavering. And so the work continues and the love lives here, in me, as me.

I would like to say that one day I just woke up. The truth is I am waking up, I am the awakening and I am forever grateful.