The Divine's Call

I am hearing the Divine’s call. A whisper of inspiration that comes directly from the Heart, and I know it is time to act.  I have heard the call before. In fact, I hear the call daily. Sometimes it is a few words whispered. Words that clarify, or inspire and I share them as opportunity presents. Often it is an action taken, a decision made and then the realization that I am in the right place at the right time. The call may be a series of events or synchronicities unfolding in perfect order, without effort on my part. Sometimes I know what I need to do, other times it is done before I even realize I was called. The Divine works in mysterious ways and I am in constant awe.

The call I hear today is one that says, “Time to step out of the box, Cheryl. It is time to put yourself out there!” When I look back, I realize that the whispers started a while back. They started with a call last spring, the inspiration to create the Heart and Soul Business Network. The Heart and Soul Business Network created collaboration opportunities for a number of Heart based businesses and individuals in the local area. It connected us together in some unexpected ways that created friendships and partnerships. It generated business opportunities as well as countless opportunities to support each other.

When I look back at that event, the two most important gifts are the friendships it created and the Clearing Process shared by Matthew and Terces Englehart, authors of Sacred Commerce and founders of Café’ Gratitude in San Francisco, CA. One of those friendships flourished because we became clearing buddies. Over a period of several months, my friend Cathy and I connected by telephone to clear each other. Several mornings a week, I pulled myself out of meditation and, still in my pajamas, called Cathy “What is lurking in your shadows?” I asked. Then I listened, with every fiber of my being. “This is what I heard.” I shared. A turn around question like, “What makes your heart sing?” followed by an acknowledgement brought us full circle and miracles happened for both of us. Often the miracles were in the clearing itself; sometimes it would be some innocuous comment that led to amazing insights in the moment, or days later.

Every day we told each other the truth. We shared our deepest sorrows. We shone the light on our shadows, we laughed, cried and slowly but surely the stories we told ourselves unraveled. Our perception of the world shifted and the butterfly’s wings unfurled.  We found each other in the fire of transformation and intuitively knew that the fire would burn only that which no longer served us.

Clearing has touched other relationships as well. My partner Lucas and I cleared each other and watched our relationship deepen in unexpected ways. The clearing process created a safe container for the truth to be shared and required us to listen from a deeper place. I discovered a sensitivity, and a tender place in Lucas not seen before.

When I became clearing buddies with another dear friend, our relationship was transported to a new level and I watched an amazing woman begin to settle into who she is and find peace there.

My shifts over the last several months are significant. There is increased confidence in who I am. I understand what it is that I offer, and the impact that I have on people around me. I know what it means not only to love, but to be love. I am able to do this, because my heart is not weighed down with old stories filled with old pain. I no longer build walls around the heart in order to protect it from unknown enemies. I am joyful and completely and totally in love with life, just as it is. I experience life living me, and it is glorious.

I also realize that who I am as a coach is changed. The old paradigm that sees the coach as a thinking partner supporting the client to create the life of their dreams, excavate their calling or find a solution to a challenging problem, no longer entices me. I experienced the simplicity and beauty of the Clearing Process and ir wants to be shared. I want to be with the client who is ready to step fully into the fire of transformation. She understands what it means to “be love” and knows that loving is just the tip of the iceberg. My clients are not afraid to peel away the layers of their persona and are ready to face the demons that keep them from stepping fully into their potential. Most important, the client accepts that we are not in control and is ready to surrender to life in all its perfection.

So this is a Divine invitation, an invitation to join me in the fire. The fire is hot, but it doesn’t burn. It is a fire that cleanses, clears and prepares you be the love that you truly are. The time is now and you are not alone. Do you hear the Divine calling? 

One Voice

Last night I realized the extent of the Fukushima nuclear catastrophe. Fear rose up, like an unwanted intruder. “Are we safe here, what about my boys, what will happen to all of us? “ It was a very personal fear; the deepest of all fears. It was the fear of death.

When I woke this morning, my journal called and my morning pages came to life. I wrote with abandon, no thought, no consideration and I poured out my grief. My grief for Mother Earth; for the fish in the sea, for the birds that own the air and the green life that is her coat of many colors and the source of our sustenance. I cried for the children, here now, full of hope and for those yet to come. I cried for all of us and the tears flowed and the words wrote themselves.

Then my prayers filled the pages; a prayer for all of us, prayer for guidance. I prayed with abandon because the truth is, I have no idea what to do, how to stop this and make this right. “I am lost”, I prayed. “I don’t know what to do! Show me!. Please show me!” Then I lay my burdens at the feet of the Lord of the Universe. I surrendered all of it, my life, my loves, my hopes, my dreams, my very being. I surrendered all of it. And the tears flowed and the call came.

I put down the pen and I closed my eyes and the Great Mystery called and I heard her. Wrapped in love’s arms, I floated. I melted into the great abyss and all of it dropped away. The grief, the sorrow, the pain, even the surrender, because there was nothing to surrender. There I stayed. I missed my favourite yoga class and I floated. I open my eyes at last when life called me and I did the dishes and sent my love on his way.

As the morning unfolded and I enjoyed the glow of my earlier experience, something inside of me began to mutter. “This isn’t it Cheryl!” Argh! I could just scream! “What do you mean this isn’t it?” “There is more.” the voice responded. Then I saw a book. It is a little book that sits on the table in my Heart Cave (my personal sanctuary) called The Way Out, written by an unknown author. I opened the book to a chapter called “The Next Step” and I read. The words were familiar, not just because I had read them before, but because I live them.

The words rang like church bells, calling me to truth. “The way out has been shown to you, but you must walk in it. No one can do it for you.” See God as yourself and continue to do this until you feel yourself as God, as love, as the divine. “Make a determined and unrelenting effort to think only God’s thoughts and to see and hear only the good and perfection in everything and everyone, resolutely shutting your eyes and mind to appearances and looking right through them to the good they hide.” The next step is to be love, to trust and turn it all over to the divine. This is my experience. When I do this, in this moment, the divine works through me and I am alive and awake in a way that I cannot begin to describe.

And then, you guessed it, I cried. I cried because I doubted myself. I wanted to ask someone. Is this true? Is this it? “I wish I had visions, I wish I saw lights, I wish I heard voices so someone could tell me if this is it!” Then I laughed out loud. The truth is, I do hear voices. This inner conversation is proof. I just don’t trust that it is THE voice. And then the voice said, “There is only ONE voice. What other voice would there be?”

The truth is, I have waited for that magical, mystical moment, when I will be forever changed. Those moments, come, they go and they come again. Every time they come, I think, “That was cool, but that’s not it!” And I go back to the basics, to living, loving and trusting. Then I return to the silence for my nourishment. I return so that this form that I appear to be can return to the world and once again be love. I am in awe of the simplicity of it all.

Is this THE truth? I don’t know. It is simply the truth revealed, in this moment. You see; I am just like you my beloved friend. I hear my voice. I hear ONE voice and I know that I will listen more closely now.  

The Wounded Heart

The journey began three years ago. That was when I named it and released it into consciousness. This is where this story begins. I was in the Executive Coaching Program at Royal Roads University. As part of that program, we were to create a personal foundation document that would include our mission, and vision statements. As I pondered this process I knew that this needed to come from the heart and reflect my true mission. As I waited for the truth to flow through me, these words appeared. “I am love.”

Three weeks ago, at a retreat program in North Carolina, I understood for the first time what these three words really mean. No, let me restate this. I experienced for the first time what it means to exemplify “I am love”.


Over this past year as awakening unfolded, the experience intensified. In the months since returning from India, the insights have been flowing through me like a raging river. Sometimes they are beautiful and I am able to sink into them like a warm bath. Others are revelations that terrify and free at the same time. In North Carolina, an insight presented that was both, terrifying and beautiful.

I walk this planet as a wounded heart. I spent a lifetime building defenses to protect this heart from further wounding. Even more terrifying, I experience others wounded heart as well. The very defenses that protect this heart from further wounding, filter and protect me from the pain and suffering that underscores the human experience. I cannot exemplify “I am love” with a lifetime of defenses protecting me. I now realize that to be love, I must be open to all that is and to allow it to flow through me. The pain and suffering that I experience and see in others is not me. I am love, - pure, innocent, childlike - love.

The last day of the North Carolina program, twelve participants, the trainer Elizabeth and her assistant
sat in a semi-circle. Elizabeth played a song by singer/song writer Denise Hagen. The room was silent with the exception of the music that filled the space. As we sat in the pure bliss of this exceptional moment, I opened my eyes and from the heart I looked around the room. That moment, will remain with me forever. Some sat, eyes closed, experiencing only presence, for some tears of joy flowed and others fidgeted anxious to start the journey to their physical home. Elizabeth looked out at her baby chics, with wonder. The experience was ecstasy. Love reflecting love. Love as love. There was no
other in that room. There was only love.

The journey home has been a challenging one. It is not easy to greet this world from this raw and open place. I continue to battle the demons of conditioning and even struck out, with a fierceness I forgot I was capable of, at the one who mirrors love for me on a daily basis. And as love, I ask for forgiveness and forgive myself for that and for all of it.

Yesterday, I shared this story with a wise and wonderful friend. She said “This is the journey that mankind is being asked to embark on. This is the message of the Christ mind and of other great sages through out time.” So I allow the wounded heart to stay open despite the fact that it “hearts” so bad. I hold all of it in this wounded heart as love. Moment by moment I say…

I am sorry

Please forgive me

I love you

Thank you

The Everyday Drudgery of Awakening

The other day I had writers block. I was writing a business proposal, the first of it’s kind in a very long time. I was accessing experience and knowledge from my old life, my life as a leader in the public sector. All of it was second nature to me and I was stumped. Do you think I could write a bio of myself? Do you think I could define an approach for creating a corporate vision?  I sat poised at my keyboard waiting for inspiration that was not forthcoming. I meditated, resting in the emptiness of no thought, and patiently awaited the “idea” that would have my fingers flying.

Blank. Nothing. The writing that came did not flow nor did it feel right. Finally, in a fit of total frustration, I put my computer down, my running shoes on and went out to get some exercise. As I turned myself over to the movement, the feeling of putting one foot in front of another, coaching questions began to arise.

“You know you don’t have to do this. It is ok if you don’t want to do this kind of work.” prodded my inner Guru.

 “It’s not that.” I responded. “I am excited about working with this organization. It feels good supporting them to define their vision.”

 

“What is it then?” asked the Guru. “What are you afraid of?”

Smack! It was like getting hit over the head with a two-by-four. In a blinding flash of light, I realized, I was afraid they wouldn’t like me. I was writing the proposal so that it would resonate with them, rather than writing it so that it was an accurate reflection of Cheryl and what I bring to the table.

I saw this for what it was, a repeating pattern in my life. I can’t count the number of times I tried to alter how I show up to fit someone’s perception of me. (Tried being the operative word here)  Or how often I felt deflated and inadequate when I wasn’t liked or approved of by other people. The truth is, there are people who are not going to approve of me, agree with me or support me. The truth is, my proposal might fall flat for this organization. And that is ok. No apology necessary. I am not everybody’s cup of tea.

My challenge is two-fold. I need to accept that I don’t personify that universal likeability quotient I strive for. (Do I know anyone who does? Do I even know what it is?) I must accept the fact that I want to be liked. In fact, I want to be liked so much, that sometimes it incapacitates me and leaves me feeling not good enough. The curious thing is when I accept these conditions fully. When I see them for what they are and what they are not, I take the sting out of them.

Both conditions are thoughts. They are internalized belief systems that have been with me for as long as I can remember. The recognition of these from the eyes of “awareness”, and hearing them from the voice of my “inner Guru”, is the everyday drudgery of awakening. It is drudgery because it is ongoing. It is the mirror of life reflecting back, exactly what I need to see. When I see it with an open heart and no judgment, I free myself.

There was a time when I was overwhelmed by the conditions and situations that make up my existence. Now I celebrate them. I am grateful for the gift of this life, my most potent teacher.

Love Lives Here

It is Saturday afternoon. My fingers are poised on my keyboard, and I am present to the Divine Love that flows through me. Present to the words flowing from that love. I am grateful for the peace that envelopes me, warms me, keeps me clear and present to this precious moment of now. There is wonder for the miracle that brought me to this moment. I would love to say that one day I just woke up. But that is not the truth.

Fifteen years ago, I found myself alone, a single mom with three boys, no job and no idea how I was going to survive and support and raise three children. The fear and the grief overwhelmed me. I became the suffering. The sense of abandonment and the loneliness filled me and left me frozen. I was immobilized. One day, as pain washed over me, I heard a voice. The voice was louder and more persistent than the ache. The voice said, “I love you Cheryl. You are not alone.”

That voice, gave me the courage to pick myself up and carry on. I began to survive. I found a job, made new friends, dated men. I made a life for myself and for my boys. I thought positive thoughts; I took positive action and the ache melted into the background. Sometimes the pain would show up at the most inopportune times and then quietly slither back below the surface. When the pain lay low, I could believe that I was free, that I did not suffer. Still, I longed to hear that voice again. I longed to hear, “I love you Cheryl. You are not alone.”

I often wonder at the divine guidance that leads me to be at the right place at the right time. There are times when I can see it coming. That was the case when I connected and loved my partner Lucas. It was not the case, the day I committed to participate in an eight day Intensive Self Inquiry Training, the teachings of Ramana Maharshi.  I had no idea the profound effect that day would have on the rest of my life. On the third day, during morning meditation, I experienced the most profound sense of bliss. My body reverberated with the pleasure of it. My thoughts drifted quietly by and I basked in the love. I was home. I found the source of the voice that guided me through my pain. There are many names for this place. It is called Self, Source, God, Presence. I call it love.

At the time I believed that the journey was over. The seeking could stop. In fact the journey and the real work, had just begun. The real work is in the peeling back the layers of Cheryl. It is unfurling the coils of pain that get buried in the process of living life, it is looking in the mirror that shows up often as others and seeing in them what is in me. Some days the work is painful and difficult. Some days the love envelops me and is me. Every day requires me to access a courage that I did not know I had. The blissful days are more frequent now and my commitment to my transformation is unwavering. And so the work continues and the love lives here, in me, as me.

I would like to say that one day I just woke up. The truth is I am waking up, I am the awakening and I am forever grateful.